My journey with cutting and burning

Trigger warning! Please do not read if Cutting and burning are a trigger for you. Also if violence and neglect are a trigger!! Please read carefully! Most of you know I don't hold back when I share my story!

It has been a while. I have been going thru much much much! Iam struggling with myself again and it is taking all that I have not to just give into my old ways. 

       No matter who reads this there is going to be someone reading that is going to be like "you are just doing this for attention, or get a life and move on come on" But the fact of the matter is I COULD careless if you care or not. I am doing this so that people know they are NOT alone!

       When I was younger I had a lot of issues. And it seemed like everytime I turned around I was not good enough or I was over dramatic, or fat, or ugly, or "crazy". If you ask my family if i was beat they will tell you no. But if you ask someone at Pine Rest a mental home for teens and kids they will tell you different. They will tell you what they seen not what I told them. They seen the scars. They seen the pain in my eyes when ever They would talk to me about my dad or if i felt like i fit in at home. Then they seen myself mutilation.

      The first time I Cut was infront of my mom. I had a jewelry box with a mirror in it. She 

was yelling at me about something again. I was being a bad kid blah blah blah blah. I

heared that over and over again. I caused them heartache and shame. I hurt them 

with my "lies" I tell. kids and people dont tend to lie about the same thing over and over 

and over again! I can show you in my mom house where my dad tryed to set me on the 

red hot stove top. Where he got mad at me and upcutted my chin. (i still got his class

ring mark stuck in my chin.) Where we stood when he had that yellow and green stick

of his and i can even show you how hard he would hit me with it. and tell you word for

word what he would say to me as he hit me. (The more you cry the harder I am going to 

hit you, until you stop i dont stop) Anywho, My mom didnt want to believe it or was in

deniel i still dont know. But anywho i Broke that mirror and went to go cut cause i 

seen a few girls at school who did it and i wanted to see what they thought was so

wonderful about it. My mom just stood there as i did it. then when i did she was like 

you just begging for attention. 

            You know I am 26 and I STILL CUT and I have moved on from cutting to

BURNING now. Alot of people dont know that i do that. My soon to be ex husband

knows. He seen my burn marks, he seen what i did with a razor. I am not proud that i

do this but its what i do to feel alive. I know that im human and not some kind of 

lifeless bot. I have been in and out of hospitals to get help for it but it seems to help

for a lil bit then something else go wrong. like my husband cheating on me and 

leaving me. Or I lose a family member or i have a flash back and all those old 

very strong emotions flood back in. 

             Things got worse the day my mom went to court and told them that she didnt

want me at home any more. That day i lost my life. I lost who I was. I was alone. At the

age of 13 I sat in the courtroom crying as i heard my adoptive mom say to the judge 

she didnt want my any more. The judge looked at her like she was cry and said "Did

you just say you dont want your daughter? The daughter you adopted?" The judge

was pissed. I was hurt like you cant beleive... here I was 13, I left abandoned again.

I started. The anger turned to cutting worse, burning and lashing out. I tryed to burn

the middle school down in greenville in the foster home i was when. I then turned to

cutting worse. to this day I cut and burn but its in places that cant be seen. I do it when

im alone, when im really depressed, when i feel like a failure and most of all when 

i just want to give up!