Emptyness

Have you even been married and yet you feel so alone and empty in your marriage?
Today I want to talk about marriage...


Have you or someone you have known been married and yet feel like they don't fit in in there own marriage?

Well as of right now that is how I feel. It sucks cause it makes me moody and mad. I feel like I have no place in my marriage. I feel like no matter what I do it is not good enough. No matter how much money I make it is not good enough. No matter how much I keep the house clean it is not good enough. No matter how much I put my pain and hurt on hold it is not good enough.

I am going on 2 years of being married to my husband and it has been a hard two years. It is not all his fault but yet i feel he does not try hard enough or want us to stay together. I have lost a lot of people in the last 2 years that I have been married to him... I lost my adoptive grandpa, The man that I called dad and his mom the woman that I called grandma, my grandmothers best friend, who was also my best friend... I have lost 2 of our kids... The pain is not going away... but funny thing is I have begged him to help me find help in dealing with this and he has not helped at all... but when he is at work he finds a woman who lost her mother and he comes home and asks me to find her help... How is that suppose to make me feel... Am I suppose to jump up and say yes hubby I will find this strange woman i don't know help. I tried but it hurts that he cares more about this woman from him job then his own wife... It crushes me to know that I mean that little to him...

I just want to scream and hit him. But I know that will get us no where but in trouble. I want him to see how much he is hurting me. But every time I try to tell him it turns into I don't do anything! I cook, I clean, i do his laundry for work and home. I keep the bills together, I make extra money on the side. I have made over 3 thousand extra dollars this year alone to help out but it is not enough. He keeps telling me that he has given me a list of things to do to make extra money for "us"... I blog, i write erotic novels and sell them, i do odd and end jobs but it is not enough. I feel like I am worthless. Like I don't try hard enough. Like I am not good enough.

The love in our marriage seems to be gone. I have to beg for attention. When I say beg I mean beg... I have gotten on my knees and begged! I have let him have his space and thought he would come around in his own time but I am seening now that maybe just maybe I am not what he wants any more. Maybe he has closed off from me. He keeps telling me that he is not a people person. THEY WHY MARRY ME? WHY ASK ME TO MARRY YOU? If all you are going to do is make me feel so alone, empty and confused...

Everyone I know keeps telling me to leave him, but that is not how I do things, I don't thro my hands up in the air when things get to rough... I want to make it work but yet he will not go to theropy with me, he will not even take time off his work to help save us... Hell not even 3 days ago i was violated by a man and i ran to my husband and he didnt seem to care, he made jokes and didnt really bother to try and comfort me... I dont know what to do any more... Please someone give me some advise!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for reading,

Lost and confused