This blog is for my grandfather that i lost and miss with everything i have...
Grandpa,
I am trying to understand why you had to leave the world so early. I was just getting to know you. I was getting use to you making me laugh when i was sad. maybe i am being selfish but i cant help it. For years i looked for you and i found you a year ago and now all the sudden your gone.
I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor crying as i type this to you. It hurts so much. I feel like there is hole where you are suppose to be. i want you to come back and call me your sweet angel again. I was to sit on the phone and talk with you for hours about nothing and yet everything.
I would give anything just to hear you say i love you and tell me stories of the first time you layed eyes on me and how i made your heart stop in your chest. How you would jump a every cry i made or how you would smile when i would smile at you. And how when i contacted you 2 years later how your heart stopped like the first time you seen me. Or how even after 25 years you where not ready for me to be all grown up.
Grandpa I need you so bad right now. I need your advice on what to do now. I need your firm hand holding me telling me its ok to stumble cause you got ahold of me...
Grandpa I am so confused, I ma having a hard time dealing with you leaving and I wan my husband to hold me so i dont feel so alone but yet here i am crying typing to you alone... the pillow i hug and cry into does not hug me back when i need it... what do i do?... I asked him if he would hold me and he told me yes but moved away from me and left me there crying... He says he loves me grandpa but his actions tell me different... like earlyer when he was talking he said "I cant wai til we move into the aprtment in town then I will have 1 1/2 more hours in the day, oh i mean we will have 1 1/ more hours" I got upset and said "No you are right matthew, you said it right the first time." lately its been all about him and all the time he needs to think about things, it scares me cause this is how he acted before he cheated on me and left me alone, I cant go thru that again grandpa, I am still wounded from the first 2 times... i will not make it thru it again if he does it... I am so scared... Grandpa i need you so bad right now... i have no one else in my family to talk to, my adoptive mom is well you know pushed me away from her and my adoptive family wants nothing to do with me, i dont have anyone here in missouri that i can turn to... sadly grandpa I am losing my footing, I am fighting with myself to not ust get smashed drunk over and over again to take all the pain away, i fight it everytime i go in the store but my will power is slipping, i dont want to hurt like this no more... i dont want to have to think about any of this no more...
Now I am just rambling, Great now i look like a damn nut job...
miss you and love you grandpa,
Leslie or as you know me Myka Marie Hollenbeck
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