Today I am going to touch on a subject that is very hard for me to talk about... Detachment Disorder... Many of you might not know what that is so I will be explaining that so you understand... Please bare with me this is hard for me to talk about but I think it is time that i tell people so that they can understand me... Also if you are my mom "adoptive or biological" and you are reading this you can be upset but this is what is wrong and you have to understand and if you cant I am sorry!
Many of you know me and some of you think I am nuts cause I cant keep my emotions in check... and many of you call me Bi-polar... But I went to a doctor and found out that I am? Well let me explain it to you... It is where I have a hard time connecting to people and when i do i cling to them but i cant process emotions right so they don't always come put the way that they are suppose to... Like for instance when I am upset at someone I have a hard time keeping it under control and just telling them with out yelling or crying... Let me tell you a lil bit about my past so you can understand...
I was born to a 14 year old, and when you are 14 you are not ready for a kid and i don't care what anyone says... you have school and friends that come first in a life and kid don't have a part in that area... well that i was that kid... I have read many reports on many things that i was told happen to me... i cant say they are true and i cant say they are not but i don't care... I was told that my mom would leave me alone with a bottle next to me like i was suppose to feed myself as a infant... Or she would get mad at me and shake me then throw me across the room on to a couch... I never go the hugs and kisses that i need! I never got the attachment a baby needs! That is where my disorder started... I was taken away at 6 months and put in a foster home where i was left in a crib all day or a play pin... no hugs and attention yet again... yay for the fail adoption system in Michigan! Again detached... Then at 1 1/2 I was adopted It in a home but by the time I was adopted I was to far detached from the world... I didnt cry, I didnt talk, i didnt play, I didnt understand any of that, It was rough on a young married couple to take in a kid with my issues but they tryed their best but sometimes you cant help what is broken unless you try harder. Their trying harder was putting me back in the foster system when I was 13... most of my friends in michigan thought i was in "trouble" but I was not my mom and dad pushed me away and gave up on me... again detached, So i bounced around in foster care and in and out of homes for kids with emotional issues or as i call them "the nut houses"... I was force feed meds that turned me into a "unemotional zombie" as i called it... Then at 17 I got out of all that and got out on my own and started my relationship Issues bad... I could not keep a relationship for shit... I didnt know how to... i was never taught... So they all failed... My first marriage went out the window fast then I could count to 5 and for a lot of bad reasons and some of you know them... I was use to running and being thrown aside so i ran and i kept running... until NOW... I dont want to run any more... i dont want to be empty so I am learning with the help of my doctors... I copy a few pages here so you can better understand the Disorder... My doctor also did a few MRI's and found a lot of brain damage that was man made... he said i was not born with it but over the years it was given to me... from birth to now... I asked if I could have caused it and he said "No, it looks like what babies and kids get when they are abused and shaken"... So I asked him this "So from the MRI's you are telling me that I was abused" he said "Yes in a very bad way you where, your Coup and contracoup are damaged" or the front for my brain and the back of my brain... I asked him "Doctor I was told by some people that having brain damage like this would make you a veggie" He told me "Not true every case is different"
Now I know some of you that are reading this are thinking yeah yeah whatever your a nut job just like all the others... but you know what think as you wish I cant make you believe it but i do cause it explains so much in my life... and if you are readin this and it upsets you cause you are my parents "adoptive or birth" I dont care any more, i have been lied to at every turn but MRI's DON'T lie, people and therapists do... to either cover there own asses or for the money...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_detachment
http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/e/emotional_detachment.htm
There are the links i told you i would give you! please like always please comment and let me know what you think or if you got a story to share please do... I am almost always here!
The fact of the case is I was 15 when I had you not 14. I was in a foster home myself and gone from 7 am til 3:30 PM IN SCHOOL was forced to work on a farm both before and after school and after dinner was told to bath ypouo and put you to bed. You were 15 months NOT 6 months. And you can believe whatever you like about how I was. I was in the system myself and tricked into giving you up. I was not abusive and was not a typical teen/ I had no friends being I was never in any home long enough to make any. I wasn't allowed friends that weren't part of the church youth group and wasn't allowed in the church youth group because I was a teen mom and not a good influence on the high and mighty god fearing church kids or so their parents felt. I have no hard feelings you believe what ever you like and you have your own issues just like i do.
ReplyDeleteI did not want to post anonymous but couldn't post otherwise therefore I posted anonymous but i am birth mother georgie ann hollenbeck
DeleteWell i am just venting and trying to make sense of it all and showing people who feel alone that they are not alone... i guess this is my way of reaching out to people like me... ty for responding and i hope that we can talk more about this stuff... when we are both in a good state of mind and able to think better
DeletePeace in your Hearts!..a Friend in PA..Love and hugs coming your way!
DeleteThat is so sad! For both of you.... My dad was adopted by his aunt and uncle when he was like 1 or 2 and was abused his entire childhood. They would beat him with hammers, 2X4s, belts, whatever they could get their hands on. Even if he wasnt the one that did something wrong, he was the one that was punished. As a result of this, he ended up with brain cancer. My dad had a seizure at work, 911 was called, and they brought him in for an MRI which showed a tumor the size of a softball on his brain! They said that being hit repeatedly in the head is what caused it. I am really surprised that he didnt have more wrong with him that the cancer. Well, he did have a drinking problem, but gave that up cold turkey when he was released from the hospital because the medications he was on could have killed him if mixed with alcohol. When I say drinking problem, I mean he had a pint of peppermint schnapps on the way to work, a 6 pack and another pint for lunch and then a 12 pack or more for dinner. He was never violent or anything like that to us because he didnt want us having the same shitty childhood he had. He was only given 3 years to live. That was in 1990, he passed away in 2003.
ReplyDeleteAnother story is a happier one. A friend of mine started experimenting with sex at a very young age and ended up having a baby at the age of 13. Her mom knew there was no way she was going to be able to raise a child when she was just a child herself and made her give the baby (a little girl) up for adoption. It was very hard for her, but the adoptive parents promised to keep in touch. They sent her pictures all the time and wrote letters on her progress. Today she is 22 years old and is healthy and happy and still keeps in touch with her birth mother. I could never imagine the pain of giving a child up for adoption. I would imagine that it would be about the same as losing a child to miscarriage (I experienced that last summer and it was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life). But it was obviously for the best.
You never know if the people that are going to raise your child are going to be good or bad, we can only hope and pray for the best. No one deserves the treatment you received as a child and I am very sorry that you and your mom didnt have the type of childhood that you should have had. ((HUGS)) to both of you for having to go through that situation. I have a hard time expressing what I really mean, so if this makes absolutely no sense, I apologise in advance.
No it makes perfect sense to me and thank you for sharing your stories with me... that means to much to me that would you do that! No one deserves to be hurt or abused but its the sad facts of life... some kids are treated like they are someones everything and others are treated like they are nothing but yesterdays junk... Everyone needs love! No matter who they are... *hugs you tight* Thank you for following and reading what i write it means so much to me
ReplyDeleteIf you e-mail me: carleton@oakland.edu, will share my story with you.
ReplyDeleteAlice (moderator of the AS group)
Hugs!
www.soulpoetry.org
www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com
I hope you're feeling better now.
ReplyDeleteI have a 5 year old grandson who has the same problem, he is in therapy 2 hrs a week, he was shaken by his mother (shaken baby syndrome) at 3 weeks and wasn't suppose to make it., but by GODS grace he is still here. When he was 1 he and his 6 week old sister were taken out of the home by DHS, he was placed with paternal grandparents, the DHS gave them back to the parents after 4months, at 21/2 he was again removed from the home by DHS the paternal grandparents have legal custody of both of them now. The parents are allowed supervised visits only, and the mother has seen them for 3 hrs in 5 months, my grandsons therapist says she detached from the children and has detchament disorder, I cry having to watch my kids who truly love there mother deal with this. So you are not alone and I feel for you NOONE deserves to be abusedand just thrown aside. We are lucky we hope we can help our grandson and are trying to find every avenue of hope there is. Thank You and GOD BLESS
ReplyDelete