This is going to be the start of many blogs to come I hope. I am not the best at this but then again I am not pushing you to read it if you don't like it.
Today I want to talk about the word fat. Many people use that word as a weapon as a means to hurt someone or scare them.
For those of you that know me know that I am "fat". Yes I am bigger and have had the fat word thrown at me in more ways then I can count now. I would like to show you what that word can do to people.
Growning up I was never fat. I played sports and kept very busy. I was always movin moving moving lol. I was not allowed to eat alot of junk food or drink soda. When I got home from school I would try and eat a snack and my sisters would tell on me and I would get yelled at. Go figure huh. So therefor I never thought that i would get fat. I was fit and well watched like a hawk!
Well at about 13 or 14 I was hanging with some friends that where anorexic and told me that I was indeed fat. Now being 13 or 14 You tend to listen to y our friends when they call you fat. And that is what I did. Even tho I weighed about 110 pounds. So I starteed to force myself to throw up in private at first. But then I got so bad I could not stop throwing up every time I ate. Well my mom started to notice and admitted me to a facility called Pine Rest. They checked me out and I soon found out that I had what they called bulimia. The stage right below anorexic. I was having trouble keeping food down at all now and i keep calling myself fat even tho I could not pinch a lil bit of fat just skin. It took them two weeks of in patient theropy to keep me from throwing up and to stop me from being so hard on myself. But I never Fully recovered. You never really do.
A few years past and I was now 16 and madly in love with a older guy named Shawn. He was 21 and I thought he was my life like so many young girls do. At 16 I weighed 150 pounds give or take. I didn't think that was bad and I was happy that way. Or I was... Then started the fat comments from him when he would hug me or try to pick me up. Also at that time my mom started to comment on my weight. I don't think she ment it in a bad way but if you tell your kid she will look like her aunt if she dont stop eatting or she will get diabetes. Your going to mentally scar her and that is what was happneing. I thought I was ok but I guess again I was wrong.
Hearing my own mom and boyfriend calling me fat and saying fat to me all the time started to take a toll on me again but this time in a much more dangerous way. I became a cutter/burner. Or a attention seeker as most people like to so rudly call it. (My next blog will be on cutting/burning and the effects it has on peoples lives) By my 17th birthday I was depressed and upset cause not only was I hurting myself but on my birthday Shawn broke up with me. His reason was... You are to fat to be seen with But yet he wanted to remain "secret" friends if you know what I mean. I was to fat to date but not to fat to want to have sex with. Go figure he is a pig.
Well that pushed me into a deep depression and I stopped caring any more. I dropped out of school cuz I felt like everyone was calling me fat behind my back and i thought all the guys just wanted one thing and I didnt want to be near them after that. By 18 I was 190 pounds. And the fat comments to flood in from EVERYWHERE. Everyone I knew seemed to be in on the Call Leslie fat thing. The more my family and friends called me fat the more I hid from the world and the more i cut/burned and ate. I was out of control and could not stop myself and it seemed no one else gave a flying fart. if it was not about me being fat they didnt care to talk to me at all.
Well I am 25 now and i weigh 263 pounds. Yes that is big. But you are not me. I am learning to try and be happy in my own skin.But because of the years of mental trama as my theropist calls it. I have issues now losing the weight. Yes as of lately I have lost weight but it has not been done in the right way. 6 months ago i weighed about 310 pounds. I stopped eatting. I started to burn myself the more i thought about food the more I would burn myself. I was forcing myself to lose weight in a very bad way. But what was I suppose to do when all I hear is... Leslie I talked to so and so and they said they seen you and can not believe how fat you are. or Leslie you got a double chin. Or leslie remember when you where so skinny and pretty! Like that is helping me. NO that is hurting me. Stop it!
The point of telling you all that is so that you can see that I have been thru it. I have been called fat, pig, oinker, heefer, chunky, chubby, fluffy, whale, elephant ect ect. I have had the Your so fat... jokes thrown at me. I have even had people tell me to kill myself cuz the world will be a better place with out all the fat in it.
But I am taking a stand now and saying to all you fat haters and bashers. God gave you two damn eyes with eye lids. So if you don't want to see my fat ass then I suggest you learn to close your eyes when I walk by you. Also I might be fat and ugly on the outsdie but on the inside I am one of the most beautiful people you can ever meet unlike you. It takes a ugly soul to push people into hurting themselves and killing themselves. For all you Christians, The bible says Do on to others as you would have them do on to you. Also i read that if a soul is to go to hell cuz of your actions that you go there as well. so think about this. How many people have killed themselves because you cant be nice? How many people have turned around and takin lives cause you cant be nice? All it takes is a few unkind words to push people over the edge sometimes.
For all you skinny girls who are in size 12 and under. Stop pinching your skin and saying look at this fat! That makes me sick that skinny women call themselves fat and make us bigger people feel even worse. Your not fat! Your fine!
For all you plus size women and men. You are beautiful! You are wonderful. You are worth knowing! Don't you EVER let someone tell you otherwise. Don't you let them win. Stand up for yourself. Hold your head up high when you walk. Dont look at the ground like you are lower then them. YOUR NOT. Meet there looks when you walk past them. Force them to see that you are not going to stand for it no more. When they call you fat say yes I am. Make them think twice about calling you that. Be proud to be different and not like the world wants you to be.
MY NAME IS LESLIE. I AM A PLUS SIZE WOMEN AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF WHO I AM.
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