Randomness...

       I know I told you in the next blog I would talk about cutting and burning but I am a lil off today if you know what I mean. If not you soon will and I hope that you can forgive me for not talking about that topic.
      So much has been weighing on my mind. And I feel like I need to get it off my chest before I break or snap or well end up hurting myself over it.
       P.S. alot of this will be jumping from topic to topic cuz that is how it is going on in my head and that is how i want to type it out so maybe you can see some of the confusion I go thru day after day.



    Some of you are going to read this and be upset at me and hate me even more then you already do but you know what I dont care. I have to get this out and this seems to be the only way that I can get anything out.
      Growing up I was not the best child at all. I had a lot of issues growing up. I had learning issues. Let me give you a example. Most kids when they touch something hot they say ouch and know not to touch that again. But me on the other hand would touch it and say ouch and about 5 mins later do it again and say ouch again. Then not even 5 mins later touch it again just cause I wanted to see if it would hurt again. It took a lot to get things in my head. Even then if I wanted to listen I would and if i didn't i wont. Or One time i would remember a word and the next time i read it i dont know it or i cant say it. I could not read aloud but I could read to myself just fine. I got bad grades cause I got bored easy. I beat kids up. I lied. I cheated. I stole. And worst of all it seems I gave the Sprague's a bad name. (Don't care if you dont like that i said that but that is how i feel)
        I mean look at how Paul looks at me. (So you know Paul is my older brother, tho he would never tell you that) Paul holds his head up above me no matter how hard I try to be good or to not cause issues. I mean no matter what I did it was never good enough for my big brother. I could have been made of gold and he still would have pushed me away and not cared. He feels that i shamed the family cuz I was a problem child. Cause I ran away from home. Cause I was different! Even tho I liked some of the same stuff as him and I tryed to talk to him about it he would push me away like i was a diesase.
I found out he was adopted as well and I thought hey maybe this is the time for me to get close to him and see if we cant be brother and sister. Funny thing when I talked to him about it. He told me that I was nothing like him. That I was a shame. That I gave the Sprague's a bad name and I didn't deserve that name. You don't know what those words will do to a 13 year olds mind.
         I was born to a 14 year old who did drugs and drank with me in her stomache. I was born all fucked up.  I was born with FAS. (fetal alcohol syndrome) I was also addicted to drugs. My mother was only 14 like I told you. So I was a new toy for the first few days I was alive. Then I became yesturdays toy and was soon broken and forgotten. I am 25 right now and I look at these reports that i have and I cant believe what i read and see. The pictures of my brain amaze me. The reports shock and piss me off. How can anyone who is willing to open there legs and fuck not care about the aftermath! ME! I was a child, a baby! How can you put your hands on a kid and shake them or slap them or throw them around? How can you do that? Dont you get it? If you have sex or fuck or be a prostitue like my birth mother was there is always the chance that your going to have a kid! Jesus even I know that and i am fucking thick headed! 25 years later and I looked her up and found her in JAIL. Big suprise there! I wrote her her hoping that maybe if she heard from me she would try and straighten up and want me in her life. Oh was i wrong. Things where fine for the first month that i talked to her. Then all the issues started. Now I know where my attitude comes from. Funny how you ask someone who your dad is and things fall to hell. Fights started. Not with me I didnt call names or threaten anyone but it seems that my birth mom and grandma like to threaten people and say mean things. My life was fucked up already with out all that added on but that is what i get for trying to figure out who i am and where i am from. I know now and I WISH I NEVER DID!
          Moving on to my adopticve father. There is a lot there that just hurts and pisses me off. That man was my father and lord did i ever want to be a daddies girl but that was not my spot it seems. No matter how hard I tryed to be his perfect tomboy who played sports. God I played sports like no tommorow. I played center in soccer. I played center in basketball. I played cathcer in Softball. I ran. I played volleyball. But I was never good enough for him. God I remember him always yelling at me from the stands. Like I was not trying hard enough. I made the all star team every year in every sport i played. all star out of more then 200 girls only 13 to 15 where ever picked and I was always picked for the team cause i gave it my all and i had what it took to be there. But IT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH for him. In one of my all star games I was catching for a girl who most all other catchs feared. whwy did they fear her. Well this girls pitch hurt. when it hit my glove it burned my hand like no tommorow. But I did it and that WHOLE game only ONE ball got past me. and that was all he was focused on. NOT THAT WE WON. Not that I gave it my everything and only one fucking ball got past me. But that the one ball got past me pissed him off. Or how about that Green and yellow stick he had. That stick was my worst nightmare. I cant count the times that I got hit with it. How many times he would stand there in the dining room hitting me with it holding my arms so that I could not twist away from the pain and run and hide. Or the words he would say as he hit me. "Don't you dare cry or I am just going to keep hitting you harder" How the fuck can you hit a kid with a stick that could be used to kill someone and expect them not to cry. My back and butt and legs always hurt cuz I was awlays getting hit with it. I know some of you reading this are saying yeah right leslie there you go with your tall tales again. But you know what I am crying as I type this cuz i remember the pain! I remember being scared. You where not there. You got to hear about how bad I was from them but you never seen what they did behind close doors. No one ever sees what happens behinde closed doors. No one but the walls and others who refuse to speak up and say anything so there for i look like a lier! How about when I was 5 and i told a lie at school and came home and mom spanked me then told me she was going to tell dad. That scared me bad that she was going to tell dad. I waited in my room on my bed as i heard my mom and dad talking in the kitchen. I heard dad yelling. I heard him say they had to teach me not to lie or i would never stop. Then I heard him yell my name and i slowly got out of bed to go to the kitchen. When I got there he had the stove top on and the coils where red hot. I stood infront of mom crying scared cuz god only knows what dad will do next when he is mad. I remember looking at the stairs and seeing my brother andrew look at me and i was crying I wanted to run to him scared but mom had a hand on my shoulder holdin me in place. Next thing I remember was him picking me up and pushing me at the stove. I remember screaming and crying and begging for him to stop. I told him i was scared but that was like telling the rapist imma virgin. excites them more. I remember screaming for mom and all mom did was ok clair that is enough. Clair that is enough. I WAS YOUR CHILD. you where letting him hurt me and scare me. you let him damage me. He damaged me more then anyone i know. and i hate him for that. I am scared of him. I am scared of being hit. I am scared of stoves. I am scared i am not good enough. I am scared I will fall short and not be good enough. Hell they say you look for your fahter when you marry. Well look at my first marriage. Must be true. I married a man who beat me, did things to me even tho i told him no.
              I dont know that i can finish I am crying so hard i cant barley see. I dont care if you dont believe me or you think this is all hog wash but you cant change what happen in the past but i can bring it to the light and get it out and try and move on and that is what i plan on doing. is getting it all out and trying to move on to a brighter future!